Preparing for Step 9 and anticipating freedom from fear, shame, and emotional immaturity—step 9
Step 9
Preparing for Step 9 and anticipating freedom from fear, shame, and emotional immaturity.
When I find myself focusing on who is more at fault or believing I am owed an apology, that is my cue to pause and return to my own responsibility. This step is not about receiving an apology; it is about taking responsibility.
It required years in recovery to understand that when I can find my part—and I always have a part—it releases fear along with the shame or guilt tied to what troubles me. I also understand that the process requires vulnerability. And, vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure—all the things we often avoid.
Without a doubt, this level of recovery takes courage, and courage builds emotional maturity. Most of us, myself included, gave time and commitment to the program before experiencing emotional maturity. While blaming others is a self-seeking behavior, it is involuntary to the immature mind. I discovered through the program that blame was the primary action blocking my ability to trust myself for many years of my life.
Step Nine
Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
This is where action takes place. My list is solid. As the Big Book tells us, our purpose is to go out and repair the damage. Two things are especially important to me at this stage of recovery: First, I know I have a Higher Power and that I am no longer in charge. Second, I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.
I have learned that there are situations where direct amends are not appropriate—when harm is too great or when making amends would cause further injury. A sponsor or trusted friend can help discern these situations. This is where spiritual forgiveness comes in. In these cases, I pray for the person or write a letter expressing my amends and place it in my God Box. This is my process.
Deepening my practices aided in my maturity
By this point in recovery, my greatest accomplishments are Steps One, Two, and Three: admitting powerlessness, coming to believe in a Power greater than myself, and turning my will and life over to the care of God.
My God Box represents surrender. Letting go has been one of my hardest lessons, requiring humility and practice. Each year brings deeper surrender, and understanding that I am not in charge has become one of my greatest freedoms. My God Box holds handwritten apologies to those I have harmed, allowing me to release fear, shame, and guilt while restoring me to sanity.
There are also clear principles that guide amends. I call them rules because guidelines leave room for manipulation. Even the simplest apology must be free of “ifs,” “onlys,” or “buts.” The sole purpose is to own my part.
In many cases, we also owe money. From experience, honesty—even with creditors—is often the wisest course. Many respond favorably to honesty and vulnerability. We are not alone in this; our Higher Power is at work. Often, a kinder and gentler path forward appears.
We all deserve compassion simply because we are human.
At one time, I believed I did not deserve a kinder way. I now know that was another false story. Poor choices cause harm, but they do not make me unworthy of love. At my core, I am not broken—my actions were. This is an essential understanding that also takes time to fully grasp, yet the Big Book offers support, also known as The Promises:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past Nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will step away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (Big Book Of Alcoholic Anonymous, page 83 and 84)