Commitment to the Work— Reflecting on my early days in the fellowship—step 3
Step Three
Reflecting on my early days in the fellowship:
All my life, I relied on myself and was convinced people would disappoint me if I leaned on them at all. Trying to find safety on my own became a way of life. I coped by controlling every second of my day, but that control left me disconnected from my intuition and my true self. I carried that mindset into my first meeting, and it nearly kept me from staying.
But living in isolation wasn’t working. My life had become unmanageable, and for the first time, I was willing to open myself to a different way of living. Placing faith in the fellowship became my starting point. Someone with solid sobriety suggested that, instead of forcing myself to believe in God, begin believing in the power of the fellowship. Lean in to the love the members offered me. It was the same love I felt the moment I first walked into a room full of other alcoholics.
From there, I began to notice subtle shifts within me. The light in those in recovery brought an unfamiliar warmth. More often than not, when I entered the rooms, the people who welcomed me made me feel seen and cared for. They were genuinely happy to see me, whether they knew me or not.
Then came a suggestion that would quietly change everything: I began seeing myself the way I was being seen. I recognize that light within me. I was grateful for another day of sobriety. I started recognizing myself as someone worthy of love and a safe life. I was shedding my survival strategies. I felt encouraged to see myself not as who I had been, but as the person I was becoming.
I kept showing up and watching others because I wanted what they had. My shift toward loving myself wasn’t immediate, but it was powerful. I began to understand how difficult it is to believe in anything when you don’t yet believe in yourself. I also saw how disconnected I had been, struggling to feel anything at all. I was numb to the world, to myself, and certainly to anything spiritual. It was sinking in that this was truly a daily program, requiring that I be open, willing, and show up, day after day.
I had a simple desire—for something more, for what others had—and that became the turning point. It marked the beginning of my willingness to look within. Self-discovery became the goal, and the more open I was to love, the more connection I noticed with Source and Spirit.
Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Embracing Step 3: Surrendering to a Higher Power
By the time I reached Step 3, that willingness had begun to take root. The foundation was already being laid through the fellowship, through connection, and through the small but meaningful shifts happening within me. The core ideas became clearer: I was alcoholic and could not manage my life. No human power could have relieved my alcoholism. And God could and would, if sought.
Making the decision to turn my will and my life over to a higher power felt like a significant step, but not an impossible one. I didn’t have to have it all figured out. I only had to be willing. Remembering how unmanageable my life had been helped me stay grounded in that truth. My own thinking had brought me there, and trusting something beyond myself, though unfamiliar, began to feel necessary.
The phrase “as we understood Him” gave me room to grow. It allowed my understanding of a higher power to be personal, evolving, and enough—just as it was in that moment. I could relax a little and see from a new perspective. I didn’t need control and certainty; I needed a willing and open heart. Slowly, I began to trust, which created a foundation of security I’d never had. Again, changes were not instant, but in time, a deeper connection guided my growth and recovery.
How My Sponsor Helped Me Learn to Trust
With the guidance of a dedicated sponsor, we met weekly for over two hours, and I immersed myself in the program’s teachings, particularly the wisdom found in the Big Book. The advice of the old-timers—“believe in the fellowship”—carried me through my doubts of believing in something “bigger.” Seeing the light in others kept me coming back, and that light, I came to realize, was God.
During one of our weekly sessions, my sponsor and I reached page 63 of the Big Book, where the Third Step Prayer is introduced:
"God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always."
After reciting the prayer together, my sponsor asked, “Do you understand what this means?”
I hesitated. “Maybe the real struggle is that I can’t fully access my emotions,” I admitted. “I don’t even know how I feel about anything, let alone a higher power. How can I believe in something I can’t grasp? How can I surrender to Him? And what does ‘thyself’ even mean?”
Looking back, I can see it was fear. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to feel, every memory would come rushing in at once and be far more than I could handle. My self-control still felt essential, and I clung to it at all costs.
The program would teach me that control was an illusion—a false sense of security. In truth, my life was already unmanageable, and I had lost my way. There were parts of my story—secrets and a darker side of what I had endured—that I wasn’t ready to face. Keeping it all buried under control felt safer. Something had driven me to take that first drink long ago. Back then, I didn’t have the strength to face my circumstances without alcohol. But now I needed to take that first step in releasing control.
That’s exactly why we have sponsors and others in the fellowship. I learned to trust my sponsor. She had guided me consistently, and her commitment to the program gave me the strength to keep moving forward through the steps. She gently reminded me what the prayer meant: that God could, and would, help if He were sought. It was a subtle shift, but it opened a small window within me.
The Power of Receiving Help By Giving It Away
This was an essential part of building my relationship with a “Higher Power” and my inner knowing. Sensing my unease, my sponsor reassured me that “as we understood Him” meant my current understanding was enough. I didn’t need all the answers—I only needed to be willing. To be open. To accept that I was no longer in charge.
Thank God, I thought I had made a mess of my life up to that point.
She encouraged me to place my faith in the program and the fellowship, reminding me that turning my will and my life over to a higher power didn’t have to be complicated—it only needed to be sincere, based on the understanding I had at the time.
She asked me to check in regularly and assured me she would always do her best to take my calls. If she wasn’t available, she encouraged me to reach out to others from my home group.
“But don’t call to ask for help,” she said. “Call to offer someone else support.”
Wow! Her suggestion shifted something in me. I began to realize that helping someone else could become a path to my own healing. It revealed how deeply rooted my self-centeredness had been, and how natural it was for me to stay focused on myself. Learning to reach outward became one of the most meaningful practices in my recovery.
My sponsor also suggested I avoid making major life decisions without guidance, reminding me how fragile I was and how recently I had come to terms with the unmanageability of my life. It reinforced the importance of leaning on others and learning to trust the process.
Then she gave me a simple instruction: go home, find a quiet place, say the prayer out loud, and sit with it.
“This is it,” she said. “You’ve completed Step 3.”
Simple, but not easy. Living that prayer with honesty and humility—that’s where the real work begins.
She told me, “If you do, the light will begin to grow within you.”
And she was right.
As my commitment deepened, I began taking on service roles in my home group, offering the same welcome and hope that had once made me feel like I belonged. My first commitment was as a greeter, welcoming others just as I had been welcomed. That simple act reinforced the connection I had been given.
Through service, I shifted. The more I gave, the less self-consumed I was by my own struggles. Slowly, steadily, the light within me began to grow, and I recognized it as my relationship with my higher power. I was willing to believe in something greater than myself, just like the step suggested, and my old life was fading into the background.